The Brotherhood Effect: How Men Transform Together

“I don’t need other people, I can do it myself,” said a man to a therapist. 

The Brotherhood Effect: How Men Transform Together

Can we do things ourselves? Absolutely. But have we forgotten how much easier it is with a community? With a team? With a unit? We are not meant to do things alone. Biologically, humans are meant to be with groups of people (in person, I might add!). It’s the way our nervous systems are designed. 

There are several reasons why we are creating a program for men. Still, one key reason is that I know how powerful communities can be. I have witnessed them with men and experienced it in my community with women. 

The therapy industry still predominantly operates on a one-on-one basis, resulting in a lack of the community element. Men need that. So, when creating The Ignited Masculine, I've taken this heavily into consideration. My approach is to teach the skills and tools to help men emotionally transition out of boyhood and into self-mastery, while also providing the space for them to come together in community. From there, the men lead each other. They create a brotherhood separate from me. 

To give an example of this, I remember a time when I was working with a group of about 15-20 incarcerated men in the prison program. We were discussing a belief that a lot of them held: love is dangerous. (Verbatim, this is how they phrased it, and almost all of them agreed.) You can translate that into a few different things, such as: "don’t get too close to someone", "avoid intimacy", or "check out before you love too much and get hurt." They lived by this belief, whether consciously or subconsciously. You could see it in how they showed up in their lives, with their partners, families, and kids. It was embedded in their presence at the time. And quite honestly, a piece of why so many of them had been incarcerated. When you harbor the belief that loving and being loved by others hurts, it’s much easier to justify hurting them in return. 

Together, we explored the idea that love is unsafe and spent some time discussing how most of them learned this at a young age. I recall one man’s story so vividly. He told us that when he was a little boy, he attempted to climb onto his father’s lap. His father immediately pushed him off and shamed him for it. “Get off me, boy, I ain’t your mother and I ain’t going to hold you like that. How gross you even thought you could climb up on me like that.” This little boy was seeking his dad’s love in that moment; it's not only little girls who need to be held by their fathers. 

What was powerful about this, though, was that as this grown man was crying, telling the story of how painful that experience was, all the men in the room validated him in his pain. They expressed that it wasn’t okay for his father to have responded that way. That, as a little boy, he wasn’t wrong for wanting his dad to hold him and love him. Other men shared about how they hold onto their sons or were held by their fathers at times. Some men went and hugged him. They comforted him and helped him reframe the whole story. Then they challenged him to rise above it. 

If it had been just me and that man in therapy, I could’ve said some similar things, but it would have never held weight like it did with the men. They were able to validate him and sit with him in his pain, which created a much more healing experience than a therapist alone could have. 

I loved the work I got to do at the prison and what I witnessed in these groups. I would come in, lead them in “emotional development work,” and teach self-mastery tools during this program, but during the week, these men continued their brotherhood. They talked through what came up and supported each other. They were men leading men, without me. That was a huge part of the program. These men became sturdy in true masculinity because of it. They had me, who assisted in emotionally initiating them from boys to men through teaching them tools and guiding them where they needed to go, but they also had the community of men to do the work alongside them. That’s where most of the true work was done- within their brotherhood. 

Recently, I have been fortunate enough to get to know and work with Linemen and Journeymen from across the country. They work one of the most dangerous jobs. What I find most inspiring about them is their sense of brotherhood and how important it is to them. I admire the men in this community who brought my colleague and me into their space to start providing their men and women with mental health information and options. Bringing in mental health is their way of supporting and making their brotherhood tougher. Mental health and community combined together = STRENGTH. 

I understand it can be scary to open yourself up to an actual supportive community of brothers. It can even feel easier to hold onto negative experiences when other men have hurt you. You may not even know what it feels like to have healthy men show up for you, validate you, hold you accountable, or challenge you appropriately. 

I know what this is like in sisterhood. A lot of women have still not made their initiation from emotionally being a little girl to a woman, so being around other women can still be full of gossip, jealousy, and passive aggressiveness. Some women don’t want other women to do well because of the wounds and insecurities they have still not worked through. Just like men, many women also do not know healthy sisterhood. 

When I first moved back to Iowa from South Carolina three and a half years ago, I had to leave my girlfriends and the women in my life behind. Honestly, some of these relationships were healthy, and some were not. I did keep in touch with a few of them, but it’s not the same as being in person. There was a lot of grief and sadness I had to feel around this change. It was also really hard being in a new place without a support system of women. In hindsight, I can see the impact the lack of community and sisterhood had on my own mental health and well-being.  Fortunately, I now have an amazing community of women and girlfriends here, and it makes all the difference. All my relationships (especially with the men in my life) are better by having a beautiful sisterhood of healthy women. 

It was a couple of years ago when I walked into this community of women and felt their radiating presence. Their energy was beautiful, supportive, and full of life. They owned who they were, were authentic, and didn’t shy away from their power. They shone bright; they didn’t dim the light of who they were. They genuinely wanted those around them to rise into their power and light, too. They required open communication around conflict and held each other to a high standard. They did their inner work and embodied it. 

When I first met them, a huge part of me wanted to “run.” I could feel all my insecurities seeping to the surface, and I knew I would have to up-level myself. I had to become a better version of myself to be a part of this community. At the time, I heard a voice within me say, “This is the sisterhood you’ve been asking for. Are you going to keep running and hiding, or are you going to step into the version of yourself you were always meant to be?” Luckily, I decided to step into the community rather than running away from it. And it was challenging! I had to do deeper work on myself to exist within a high-level community. I’m SO grateful I did, though! These are some of the best women I know. They have become soul friends and mentors, and I love that we are all at different life stages and ages! A true community. I have healed more than I ever thought possible and become more integrated and connected to myself. My power and gifts have only flourished. We support and encourage one another with open hearts. We also invite each other and those who come into our space to “level up” and continue to grow into our best and most favorite selves together in community. This is not always easy. 

I know that considering a healthy brotherhood can be scary because it requires you to face yourself and up-level. There’s no hiding or mediocrity in a space like this. Even though logically, many men know they would like to have other male relationships like this, but these are the same men who also tell me, “But let me try it on my own.” 

You have to let the idea of the “lone wolf” go. 

I don’t know what sane man would ever go into war or battle by himself?! And when you do the inner work, in some ways, it can feel like a painful battle. When journeying into the heart, there are inner demons and darkness to face. There is usually pain, hurt, shame, grief, and anger, and you need other men there with you side by side, facing it with you. 

I have been so fortunate to witness men in brotherhood, of all ages, backgrounds, and life stages. It is needed! When men have men, and women have women, then men and women can truly come together in healthy partnership and raise healthy families. We can’t build a better world together when these communities are missing. 

So men, I challenge you to find a brotherhood of other good men doing this inner work, especially in person. These are the ones who are allowing themselves to be emotionally initiated from boys to men. Our culture has moved away from these initiatory rites of passage, but it’s time to re-embrace them. Join a brotherhood of men who are embodying, embracing, and growing into the men they are meant to be. It isn’t easy to step into these spaces initially, but I guarantee you’ll be grateful you did!

Curious about what real brotherhood and community feel like? Join us for the first session of the program---for FREE--by clicking the BOOK NOW button below!

The Ignited Masculine - Session One

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