Man Skills: This psychological wound is wreaking havoc on your romantic relationships. Here's how to address it.

“I want to improve communication in my romantic relationships,” said a man to a therapist. 

To which the therapist responded, “Okay, then let’s talk about your father.” 

I often get men in my office who want to better understand and improve communication with the women in their lives, especially in their romantic relationships. The men who work with me in therapy get the benefit of receiving the “female perspective” or a look into the mind and heart of a woman. In turn, men have shown and taught me a lot about the “male perspective” and the true heart of a man.

I’m not going to give the surface-level answer of how to communicate better in relationships with women. Instead, I will continue to build off my previous blog post. (If you haven’t read that, start there so that this post makes more sense.) To summarize, PRESENCE is what will lead to better communication, and thus, relationships with the women in your life. 

Before I begin, I have a caveat. I am writing this for men based on my experiences with them in therapy. I recognize that as women, our presence equally contributes to how communication is experienced in romantic relationships. I believe men and women must both heal their “presence," in other words, what they convey to each other in their emotional undertones and unprocessed past experiences. In this post, we will be discussing the impact of the father wound on communication with women. (There are also mother wounds for both men and women, but that’s for another time.) 

I’m also one to believe that men and women are different and that we have different needs, desires, and communication patterns. We also have different “wounds.” I feel very grateful to the men in my personal and professional life who have helped me understand these differences so that I may honor them instead of fighting against them. With that being said, here we go! 

Men, if you want to communicate better with the women in your life, YOU MUST STOP MAKING WOMEN YOUR MISSION! 

Men must stop seeking masculinity through women. The idea that "getting the girl" will somehow make you more of a man is what is preventing you from having the relationship you want. I know a lot of men have gotten this message. I have heard it in many conversations. I have also literally heard older men verbatim say to young boys: “Sleep with as many girls as you can,” and “the best way to get over someone is to get under one.” My heart sinks when I hear the deep pain one must carry to believe this and say this to others. Unfortunately, these messages are strong in our culture. They reflect a deep psychological wound. One we refer to as the “Father wound.”

As John Eldrege says in his book, Wild at Heart: “Every boy in his journey to become a man takes an arrow to the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries the wound. And the wound is nearly always given to him by his father.” 

This psychological wound is wreaking havoc on your romantic relationships. If a man has not healed and is still operating from this wound, women become the “adventure.” Women can sense that in a man’s presence, that they are the “goal.” It subconsciously communicates that he needs a woman to make him feel like a man or that he needs a woman to save him. Yikes. I’m sure this is the opposite of what men wish to communicate! 

Women don’t want to save men. Women want men to be deeply rooted in their own identity. They don’t want to be what men use to fill a void. A void that was most likely created by the lack of a healthy masculine father figure or the lack of healthy men in their lives. 

I have seen this father wound with the men I work with. Men have shared that they are embarrassed by this wound and the emptiness and shame it carries. They feel such shame towards that little boy within. The wound where that little boy still asks: “Dad, am I a man? Do I have what it takes? Do you believe in me?”

This wound is deep and unfortunately rooted in too many men. So deep that some refuse to acknowledge its existence due to the immense pain it carries. It is a deep knowing that the father in his life did not show him his worth as a boy. That his father didn’t believe that he, as a little boy, could do it- to fight, rise up, and overcome challenges. That his father never helped him see his own strength.

This wound is very real, and if a man refuses to acknowledge it, it cannot change. A wound anyone ignores keeps a person stuck. As a man carries this burden, he lives as a lost boy, empty and hollow, communicating this ultimately in his presence. He emotionally stays a little boy, hiding in a corner, afraid of life and afraid of being ALIVE. Women will eventually sense this. 

When it comes time to work with the father wound, most men fight it because it’s terrifying to face. It frightens that little boy within. So instead, men continue to make women (although it could also be other distractions like work, busyness, addictions, etc.), the way to avoid it. Women will subconsciously know when a man is using them to fill this void, though. (And yes, I just want to make it clear, women do the same thing to men.) 

When a man avoids the father wound by using a woman to make him feel like a man, the woman then has the power to decenter him. This could be when a woman rejects him, since being in a relationship with her can make him feel “masculine”. It can also be her words and actions that “make or don’t make him feel like a man.” And when a woman can decenter a man, unfortunately, the man is still operating from the wound of the lost boy, wondering still if he has what it takes. 

However, when a man has worked through this, he becomes firm in his core and confident that he does indeed have what it takes. When this happens, women will no longer have the power to decenter him, and believe it or not, this presence will do wonders in relationships with women! He can then set a boundary and become assertive with her (and anyone really!) because “he knows who he is.” And boy, will women be so attracted to this! A woman then does not have to be his savior; she knows she does not have power over him. What a relief! A man is then safe and grounded. Solid. A Warrior. A man she can trust to stand in the storm with. She knows he can then protect her. 

This is what happens when a man “does the inner work.” This phrase is just the modern-day “pop psychology” way of saying, "being initiated into manhood." Many men have yet to complete the emotional initiation process of going from a boy to a man (and the same is true for women). 

When men start confronting that they “still have an unhealed little boy within”, they can begin healing. This is something we do in therapy. We confront and address these core wounds so that a man no longer has to carry them in his presence. He becomes the father that little boy inside never had. And when he does this, his PRESENCE practically screams, “I AM A MAN. I KNOW WHO I AM.” This is the BEST form of communication with a woman. 

So, if a man wants to communicate better with a woman? Heal the boy within. BECOME the father he never had to himself. This is part of the hero’s journey. 

When a man is ready to acknowledge and face the father wound, he will start to communicate with women through his presence. He is no longer reacting as the boy but responding as a man. When the time comes to stop the bleeding of the father wound, do not seek women to do the mending. Instead, seek a qualified therapist! This takes real work to shift the father wound and rise into the presence of an EMBODIED MAN. Only the man himself can stop the bleeding. 

However, in the meantime, I do like the affirmation John Eldredge suggests: “You can handle it; you belong here.” I suggest you envision telling the boy within you this, though. Bring the image of the little boy to your mind when you say it. 

“The spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.” - Brennan Manning. 

Men, stand in your bravery and take care of the wounded boy within. Love him and see him for the wild boy he is. The one with the strength and courage to do the right thing even when it’s hard. The boy who has the strength to overcome a challenge and risk failure. The boy who loves adventure. 

Men, we need you to take the journey to become the father first to yourself so you can then be the father the world so desperately needs! Will you answer the call of the little boy calling you home? Calling you into the wildness and adventure of your own heart? Asking you to come alive?  And will you answer the call of all the future little boys that come after? 

They’re waiting…. 

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