Man Skills: The Power of Presence in Communication

“I want to work on communication,” said many clients to a therapist. 

“Do you know how deep that work really is?” Said the therapist in response. 

The art of communication is a journey so much deeper than what we think it is. I smile every time someone comes into my office saying their goal is to improve communication. It’s so vague. When I ask them what parts of their communication they want to improve, they look at me as though I just grew three heads. I usually laugh because they have no clue. They don’t really know what communication is or entails, just that they “should probably work on it.”

Based on my work as a therapist, I have noticed that most men and women deeply want to communicate well with their partners, families, kids, co-workers, and communities, but they don’t know how. 

Most therapies will only focus on the skills and tools of communication. This is a great start, and these are great tools to have. Communication skills may be referred to as using “I feel statements,” requesting clarification, paraphrasing, open-ended questions, and asking questions about a person. (In therapy, we go over all these and practice them.) Then there’s listening, which also has layers. Are you listening to respond? Listening with your mind? Or are you listening with your heart and/or body? Sometimes you may hear therapy language like “active listening," "reflective listening," and "attunement.” (We go over and practice these, too!) 

However, these skills are only a small part of communication. Believe it or not, more than 90% of communication is done non-verbally, according to some research. Because of this, I will be writing a series on the multiple facets that intertwine with what communication is from this perspective. Let’s start with an overview of the depth, though. 

What makes communication great has more to do with the person doing the communicating. It is YOUR PRESENCE. The “you BEHIND the skills.” YOU are the most powerful piece of communication, not the communication skills you've acquired. 

Let me explain. Beneath the skills, there's the essence of you in the moment. How are you showing up? What’s your body saying? Your tone? Your volume? Your facial expressions? Your eyes? These are the body language and nonverbal cues of communication. It also involves your emotional state, intentions, self-concept, belief system, subconscious mind, and past experiences. What are you emotionally feeling? What did you intend? What did you believe in the moment, subconsciously? Were your words genuine or an attempt to “get” something? 

All of this is communicated through your presence. I define these parts as the emotional undertone- the “what’s behind the surface.” 

In my opinion, the emotional undertone reflects your overall presence. And there is no pretending or faking it. It ALWAYS reflects exactly the level of embodiment you're currently at. It’s ALWAYS online, communicating with those around you. The nervous system of others will tune into and respond to this subconsciously. It is why your presence is the most powerful piece of communication. 

Have you ever wondered why you can “say” the right thing and/or “do” the right thing,

but it doesn’t make an impact? You might apply the “tool” or “skill” flawlessly, but it doesn’t land? This is because we miss the boat when we don’t look at the emotional undertone and the presence of the communicator.  

I once worked with a father who had read all the updated parenting books. He was well-educated in the literature; he knew healthy phrasing, good word choices, and the healthy parenting skills suggested by the experts. He applied them well! But his kids still did not listen to him. This father was so confused. He was doing what all the research suggested he do. So why didn’t his kids respond to it?

It’s because his kids were responding to his presence and emotional undertone. His body was so tense with anxiety and self-doubt that you could feel it radiating off his body. His tone was shaky, and he wasn’t grounded in himself. Ultimately, he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t believe his kids respected him or that they would listen to him. He also didn’t believe he was worthy of respect or that he was capable of being a leader; he didn’t think he was “good enough.” (These were more deep-seated beliefs stemming from his past experiences.)

He didn’t even know he was communicating all this via his presence. But his kids felt it all. This is what they were ultimately responding to. If his kids’ responses and behaviors could talk, this is what they might say: “If you don’t trust yourself or feel worthy of respect, why should we trust and respect you? You’re showing us you’re not really in charge and that we aren’t safe. So we’ll do whatever makes us feel “safe” in the moment. We’ll take control instead.”(This is an example with parenting and kids, but you could easily change it out to “my employees” or “my partner”). 

However, there is a good end to this story! This father and I worked on the emotional undertone and all the aspects contributing to this type of presence. He dared to own his inner world and face his demons. When he did, he rose into a healthy, masculine man and father! His presence and the way he carried himself changed. And guess what? His kids started listening! He was shocked that parenting could be more “effortless” than he thought. 

Ultimately, when you can get your emotional undertone and presence to a good place, and then match it to your actions and words, you become aligned with yourself: fully embodied. You are congruent. The inner and outer worlds of you all match. Congruency is what ultimately makes someone’s presence feel truly safe.

This is the REAL mission to improving your communication: face yourself and become congruent. Let your presence be the ultimate communicator. 

Because presence is so important in communication, it's crucial for men to work on it. Ideally, good therapy and a good therapist will help you to begin to step into your own powerful masculinity by addressing the emotional undertone in your life.  

So men, take yourself on the quest and get started with a good therapist! Then experience yourself rise into the powerful presence of the man you truly are!  Your partner, kids, families, co-workers, and community are waiting for you to arrive and lead from this empowered place.