Mastering Your Emotions: Five Steps to Regulate Your Nervous System

“Don’t make us weak with all that emotion stuff,” said a man to a therapist 

Take me to the steps

When coming into therapy, the idea of having to “feel” emotions or “talk” about feelings can be a big barrier to seeking out mental health services, especially for men. But what if emotions aren’t what you think they are? 

When I facilitated men’s prison programs, there was always at least one man who would initially say something along the lines of, “don’t be making us too emotional now,” or “I don’t want to be all feminine and shit,” and everyone would chuckle in agreement. These men were also in prison, surviving what they referred to as “the jungle.” They couldn’t afford to be perceived as weak. It could (literally) be dangerous to be “soft.”

Here’s what most people don’t understand about emotions: they are just data. That’s it. To feel and know emotions is not the same as being reactive or being overly outwardly expressive in them. Emotions are a map, a sort of GPS that helps us navigate life. They are a divine tool, and their purpose is to help us--to show us the way.

Emotions tell us when something is working and when it isn’t. When we are in alignment with our purpose, and when we aren’t. They show us what matters to us and what doesn’t. Our likes and dislikes. Who’s a good fit for us and who isn’t. They show us what we care about and what we don’t. If you can’t access your emotions or push them away, you're living a life with only half the data. Yikes.

And we wonder why we feel directionless or empty. Shutting off emotions means limiting access to crucial information. It’s like having a GPS that you’ve turned off. Instead, you try to find your way blindly. Wandering around aimlessly. In the dark. Never getting anywhere.

Imagine how much easier it would be if you decided to just use the GPS?

When the men I worked with in prison realized this is all emotions were, they were able to change their willingness to access, feel, and use them. They became more powerful, more aware, more grounded, and ultimately more MASCULINE. They could lead! They turned the GPS back on and followed it. And boy, did they rise!

Those men who chose to work with their emotions found their purpose. They got on mission and were no longer lost.

Emotions aren’t something to fear; they are something to use to navigate life successfully. They are an incredible tool, especially when you know how to understand, feel, and use them effectively.

They are a tool for self-mastery. A tool for communication. A tool for relationships. A tool for your mission. Without them, there is no real direction.

This is why we need to get to know our emotions and what they tell us. Once we interpret, understand, and feel through them, they can be released from the body.

The fact that we also need to feel and release past emotions is crucial. When we let go of the past, our emotional system operates more efficiently. We then need less energy to decipher whether the emotion we feel is from the past or the present. The more the past is released, the more you can trust the immediate feedback of your emotions and the nervous system. When you have this tool operating smoothly, it then leads to more efficient decision-making and action-taking. Hello, powerful leadership! 

There truly is so much wisdom and strength in this work, and those men brave enough to decide that emotions are a strength can conquer all of life’s challenges. 

Like the men incarcerated who decided to work with their emotions, I challenge you to turn your GPS back on and start getting to know your own emotions by practicing these steps regularly.

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Five Steps to Regulate Your Nervous System: 

1. Name the emotion and remind yourself it’s just information.

Its job is to help you by communicating critical data. What is it telling you? 

2. Is this emotion past or present?

Is there something happening now in your immediate environment that is creating a strong emotional response, such as an argument with a spouse or a stressful situation at work? (Possible present emotion.) Or, is there no identifiable immediate stressor in your current environment, but you are still noticing a rising emotion? (This is likely a past emotion surfacing to be processed due to being in a relaxed nervous system state- it’s ready to go!)

3. Take three deep breaths from your stomach.

This type of breathing communicates to your body that you are safe, making it easier to know, interpret, feel, and pass emotions through your system. Repeat as needed. 

4. Put both feet on the ground and press your feet down.

This grounds your body, which can help prevent the feeling that emotions are “taking over.” 

5. Place a hand on your body where you feel the emotion and gently apply pressure.

This gentle pressure indicates to your body that you are safe. It also helps you develop more awareness of the connection between your body and emotions.